Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
