hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
