I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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