i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
