his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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