My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
