Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i need some magic done to my vagina
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
is that a dick in a sweater?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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