i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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