i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
