Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
