i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
