either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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