I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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