I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
