so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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