Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
