there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
How external is "for external use only"?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
