I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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