I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
