apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
