i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
