omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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