All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
