if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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