i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
