We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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