I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
