tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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