I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
