pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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