It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
