I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There are leaves in my underwear?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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