im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
