Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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