The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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