Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
