Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
