it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
accomplished twins. life is a go
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
