It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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