If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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