The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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