Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
