It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
