i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
