I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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