I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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