i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
