My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
