Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
