Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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