The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
