I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
