Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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