We named our party play list daddy issues
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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